Too much change

Well there have been a lot of changes-change in routine (summer time), changes that come with vacation, changes that are being anticipated with a new school year quickly approaching, etc. All of these changes seem to throw a particular little girl into chaos. For those of you who read this blog that have adopted older children you know what I am talking about, others of you might think I am crazy.....(well I think I a bit at times).......however I do know change can create some change in behavior. And "some change" in behavior would be an understatement in our house the last two weeks. We (parents) are trying incredibly hard to be patient and understanding, providing the most stable, loving, reassuring environment as possible. We have also tried some 'new' parenting techniques-not sure if they are working, I would like to think so but I guess only time will tell. I will share a bit of what we are doing, although it does make me seem a bit vulnerable to me, a little 'too much information' for me. I am pretty much an open book about myself, but when talking about the lives/behaviors of my children the door often stays sealed shut. However, I know how much hope, encouragement, and feelings of normalcy I gain from reading other adoption blogs, so hopefully someone might benefit. I also want to state-all of our children misbehave, they are children, and just like me act undesirably at times-I am just used to parenting them and have figured out what 'works' with/for them. We are still trying to figure out what works for J, what will deter her undesirable behaviors and attitudes. So that is whom I am writing about.

We have been using 'time in' in stead of time out. When J has done something that usually would have resulted in a 'time out' in our house she receives a 'time in'. Explanation-she sits or stands next to one of us. For example, she chooses to take an object out of the hand of her siblings or something they are playing with, she has to return it and sit with one of us. Let's just say that a few mornings this week I have fixed breakfast, cleaned the kitchen or folded laundry with a child at my feet or sitting where I can feel her breathe on me. This 'time in' is not spent or seen as 'special time' with mommy. She knows that I am not happy with her choice, nor the fact that I have an appendage, and quite frankly I think she is not too happy about being my shadow. So I hope that this new way of discipline is working, if not I am losing my personal space for nothing, which that idea does not make me too thrilled. Slowly I think it is deterring some unwanted behavior. I keep reminding myself-CONSISTENCY, CONSISTENCY, CONSISTENCY.

Something else we are trying, allowing J the opportunity to name and claim her behavior. Example-kids playing in the playroom, I hear J speaking unkindly to her siblings. I ask for her to come to me and then ask her why she thinks I have called her away from playing. When I first started this the answer I got 95% of the time was "Because I was not nice" I have asked her to go a bit deeper and explain how she was not nice. That part is working, she now is getting pretty specific with what she has done/said. I think sometimes she amazes herself in how she has chosen to behave. An added benefit is that she is able to see how her behavior is affecting her siblings this way, I think. I have also allowed her to be a part of the discipline decision, when a 'time in' just doesn't seem to fit the behavior (like when we have already done that 2, 3, 4 times for the bad choice of behavior) she has to help come up with what might be a deterrent for her. Sometimes she is a bit tougher on herself, but it seems to be working.

There are times I truly feel that I am not 'good enough' for my job. One thing that I do not ever doubt though is God's plan.......question yes, doubt no. I know that God chose us to be J's parents, I know that He has lead us down the path of adoption, I know that He feels that we are capable of being the best parents to all four of our children........I do question if I am doing it right, I do question the strength He thinks I must have, I do question how much to share with others-how much to seek help for, how much to share with teachers, how much to let others 'in', etc.